I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
