Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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