I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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