My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
