I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
