I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
