I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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