I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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