i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
