But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
