I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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