Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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