Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sext me about skeletons
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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