i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
