I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
