I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
