Your tits are I can't wait for
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
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