i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
