he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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