I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
