How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
