Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
