I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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