Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
