Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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