the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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