You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
my poor anus
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
