I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
