meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
