cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
