Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
