I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
