last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
