It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
