Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
