I met the friendliest cop last night
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
