My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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