I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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