I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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