This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
