I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
