I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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