Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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