apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
