I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
