3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
