I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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