I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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