I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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