I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
