You were right. It hurts to walk today.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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