...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
