Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
