she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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