How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
