Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
