he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
