i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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