i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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