I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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