Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
