I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
